| "So will you look for me in that strange, bright place... |
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August 5, 2005
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"Don't SHOW! Tell!"
I'm moving (on) to a newer journal.
Where to?
Ask, Polietly.
I'll tell. I promise.
(this one will be PRivate)
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August 3, 2005
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The Aquabats - Lobsters in a Bucket |
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There are times
When you find
Lobsters in a bucket
Can't climb out
Why won't they climb away?
Because other lobsters
Pull them down
Cherry pits and paper clips
And people talking smack
Giant squid will come right up
And pull your train right off the track.
Mammoth broom swoops on down
And sweeps you in a whole
Friends help each other
Any way they can
When you're up at bat
They'll be your biggest fan
When you're in a pit
they'll pull you out of it
It ain't wrong to write a song
For all your friends to sing along.
People too, me and you
Can also be like lobsters in bucket
It's all just one big mess
Please don't be a lobster
Friends are best
Making lunch for the baseball bunch
While playing violin
Feeding bands to giant clams
That's where the fun begins
Cantaloupes and cowboy ropes
Hone those whittleing skills
Friends help each other
Any way they can
When you're up at bat
They'll be your biggest fan
When you're in a pit
They'll pull you out of it
It ain't wrong to write a song
For all your friends to sing along
---
Today, and Tonight were wonderful. Thank you all that participated.
And those that didnt, we need to have a sleepover soon. I miss you all.
<3
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| take it back, take it all back all the things I said... |
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August 2, 2005
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Backseat Goodbye - Heres one for your lit mag |
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...And you, you're better off dead. I'm done with this I'm done with you. Choke and die bitch, what's through is through.
Leave. Go ahead. I'm not stopping you anymore. Maybe, if you just put down your pride for a little bit you'd actually know what was going on, but I'm done. I don't need to explain myself, or justify my actions anymore. Goodbye. Goodnight. Hate me, I don't care.
I can't wait to see you next spring and not even remember what happened between us.
The past few days have been amazing. Danny's off at the beach.
Walked back from QO with Ilana today, I love our adventures.
And went to the mall with Steve! FUcking amazing, after we dropped both Juliana and Ilana off we went driving around his hood, saw his house, and Rockville High.
Got a Batman Shirt! Woo 8). I thought of Stephen Nee. I hope he's doing well.
I like Backseat Goodbye. Chad is fucking hot.
um. um. um.
So, let's talk Love. And how much certain things hurt, but it feels so great and fullfilling in the end. And I've realized, no matter where things take us, I love being in love with him. Even if things end up not working, I just love all of it. If he does or not, I'm still going to. And Even when I feel miserible, I'll love it.
I hope.
:).
Hanging out with Andy tomorrow!
And then at night we're going to the movies with Brittany and sleeping over there!
And. Then.
I will get picked up, and go to...
THE FUCKING AIRPORT TO PICK UP MY BROTHER. YES. Rafa is fucking coming home and it's going to be incredible.
Um. Wait. Wait.
Oh, yeh. Sunday we're having lunch, and momma said to invite Danny. :).
Love,
It's pure love, I swear ;)
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| I see right through you... |
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July 30, 2005
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NSYNC - Gone |
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You know when you first relize you have to do something, but you don't have enough courage to actually go through with it? Or you're not ready to. Need more time and need to get over the past. You need to let go, but you don't know how. Or want to make everything like before so bad you'll risk everything just to hold on. Your dignity, happiness, life, and the emotions of others. All to see something that you knew from the beginning would never happen.
I wish I was good at confrontation. Or, that I didn't write to people in my journal, hoping they'd see it, subconsiously think it was them and have that be the end of it.
I wish I could tell people they were hurting me when they were. and not keep going back for more pain. I see a situation and I know exactly what will happen, but for some reason I think this time will be different, so I go with it anyway. But, I just end up hurt, again.
It all goes back to that idea of me always wanting things that hurt me. As if I think I only deserve that, or something. Or deserve to be treated like shit.
Don't think this is directed at one person, because to be quite sincere, I have no idea what's going on in my head. I'm just angry with a lot of different individuals for letting me down, again. and again. How many times will I fall for the same trick?
Right, I guess I should go to bed before I completely go insane.
Why do I always fall into this?
I'll be great, and then everything from the past just comes creeping up, and all these things around me just fall down at the same exact time. And I feel way too far into situations and have a breakdown.
I wish, other people were good with confrontation. I wish they told me that there was a problem, or they hate me, are angry with me, don't think it will work, without me having to be second guessing it. Because You know what happens when you assume, and I do a lot of that. I hate assuming.
I just want school to start again. I guess I really found the school I like, since I want it back so badly.
So many people have told me not to get attached to others. How many times have my parents told me not to be dependant on others company for my emotions? Every day of my life. But, I always am. I just attacthed to EVERYONE. Even if I don't make an effort to hang out with them or show signs that I care, I do. So fucking much. It dissappoints me that I don't show it though. I'm really bad at showing people I care. I need to work on that. But, take the Good Counsel kids, take Brittany and Allison. I barely see them, I barely talk to either of them. But, freshman year, they were my girls. I miss them.
Goodnight
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July 29, 2005
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Phish - Walfredo |
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Last day of driving school, silly Mr. Toomey and the way he says tatters. I'll go visit, and I'll stay in touch. You know?
FUCK You. Why do you have to make talking to me some chore? You know you like it, and you know you still care about me. And acting like you wish I would leave you alone isn't the best way to deal with any emotions you have. Does it make you feel better about yourself when I feel like I'm talking to a wall? Do you like making me feel like shit? I know you still read this. I know you still care. So, please. I'm TRYING to be friends with you. If I really was a bitch I would have completely stopped talking to you. But I didn't because I OBVIOUSLY care for you. Maybe not the way you want me to, but I do. So, get over your fucking pride and stop being an asshole. Put me down so you feel better about yourself, yeh.. what a great quality.
Danny just taught me stick shift. Too bad I suck at life and can't do anything right. =\.
Why'd you boy's get yo guns wet?
Juliana leaves wednesday and Danny leaves tomorrow. What am I going to do with my life? =(
Haha! Mr. Toomey just got back on! I find stalking him funny. XD.
bye,
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July 28, 2005
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NSYNC - The Two of Us |
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WHY BRAZILIANS CAN'T BE TERRORISTS
1. 8:45 am is too early for us to be up
2. We are always late; we would have missed all 4 flights
3. Pretty people on the plane distract us
4. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves
5. With food and drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're there
6. We talk with our hands, therefore we would have to put our weapons down
7. We would ALL want to fly the plane
8. We would argue and start a fight in the plane
9. We can't keep a secret, we would have told everyone a week before doing it
AND THE MAIN REASON.....
10. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield
***
Tomorrow is the last day of driving school. I miss Mr. Toomey already.
I've been thinking a lot about Marcelo and how much I miss him. I can't remember his face with out looking at a picture. I don't remember his smell, or the sound of his voice, just that he mixed portuguese, spanish and english into one language. I remember he had crazy stories, but all I can remember is the last one he told. I don't remember his smile, only his teeth.
And that is why it hurts so bad. When there are that many things on a list of things I can't remember, then it's obivious that I've lost him. I just want to hear his voice again and hug him one more time. That's all. I really miss him. I still can't believe he's gone. The past Thanksgivings and Easters I've told myself he's coming, and when he doesn't show up, it was because he had to be with family and there is always next year.
But next year never comes. And I miss him.
Today I cleaned my room and thought of things. I put more Phish onto my iPod and danced my cute dance. I really want to see Trey on the 5th. I hope I can.
Today was my last Therapy session until September 1st. Let's see how well I can do without Dr. Parks for a month.
Tom Petty and The Black Crowes was amazing last night. Thanks for taking me. <3. Rainbows, Airplanes, Friends, Dancing, Good Music, Mud, and the smell of pot. What could be better?
Oh silly Beach Dr. and the crazy things that happen there!
Now it's off to Danny's.
No, nevermind.
I haven't had my cell since last night before the concert, and it has felt really good. I should leave my cell phone in peoples cars more often. Or keep it off more often.
Goodbye
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July 26, 2005
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The Aquabats! |
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Driving school is fun.
But he mentioned the curve that killed Marcelo, which made me really upset.
I really miss Marcelo.
But, Mr. Toomey made me feel better without even realizing.
Then I went to Danny's!
And Meredith and Brendan were there. And Daniel.
You're really fucking cute, you know that?
Now I'm heading back out there, and we're going to dinner.
love,
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July 25, 2005
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Nelly |
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The beach was amazing. I popped my American-beach cherry, while getting a very hurtful ear infection, and spending a great weekend with my girls. So many pictures from their cameras, and a couple from mine.
It really was a great escape from everything. I thought about everything. Listening to Phish on the beach and hearing the waves in the background really is amazing.
I got a butterfly on my back.
Today I will stay in, I think. Because my ear hurts like crazy and I should stay home.
I love Driving school.
I want us to work this time around. Take as long as you need, I'll wait forever.
Danny is a tool. :) The hottest sexiest tool ever that is.
LoveGoodEvening
I want Rafa to get home. This saddness towards the situation is turning to hatred? No. not hatred. I'm just sick of getting my hopes up to see him, and him leaving to spend more time with Pia. I miss him terribly. I want him home. I want his arms, and smile. I want his smell. I miss him. I want my big brother. I want secret agents. I want. My Childhood.
Juliana and Timmy are coming to visit me! Because I was going to go out with them, but then momma asked me to stay in. :).
<3.
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July 21, 2005
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This will be about how perfect Yesterday(and the night) was. And how I love the people I saw, and it was fun. And I got on something I never thought I would get on, and I rode it, and it was amazing. And I felt like a 5 year old again.
I came home from driving school today, and Pia was here. That was nice. We had girl talk from 12:30 til 4. I love girl talk.
Rafa might come home next week.
But he's not going to be here for my birthday anymore.
(cue in crying).
I've gone the past 4 years without him here on the 7th, so...add the 5th and I'll be alright, right? right I hope so. atleast.
It's not that big of a deal. I know I know.
Goodnight
Pia says Joao is getting better. She said he cried. And feels horrible. And I told her I don't blame him or hate him. I want to be bestest cousins again. I do. I really really do,
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July 19, 2005
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You and Me -- Lifehouse |
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I remember when I first heard this song, and now I always think of that night, and all that good stuff.
I've painted a lot! It gives me something productive to do during the day.
He's leaving for 5 days. I guess it's good. We faught today again, and I'm really sick of it. I wish, things could just work out. But he's leaving. Good time apart, think about things.
I want to go to the beach. I really need to.
I love our driving school teacher. And spending the morning with Juliana. Yep.
These entries are so pointless. I kind of hate it, actually.
But I love talking to John Alexander online. It like, makes my life. I swear.
I miss Sammy and Ric a lot though. And where has Taylor been?
Love,
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July 18, 2005
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Happy Birthday Luke.
even though you hate me and we don't always see eye to eye, you do mean a lot to me, and I care a lot about you. I really hope you do well in NC next year. Take care, and I want to see you when you came back for breaks.even though he doesn't read this
I want to see Tom Petty with Danny.
And Meat Loaf.
I really want to see Meat Loaf.
Today I painted. Which I don't normally do anymore.
And I painted a tree. And wrote.
Something that made me smile.
And then I painted crazy.
We're going to the beach this weekend. I'm excited because it will be a good getaway from everything, you know?
and I really just want to set on the beach and fix my Sock/Shorts/Shirt tan I got from Lacrosse.
Speaking of Lacrosse,
Driving school is fun. Our Teacher is nice and from Pville. You know what that means =\.
You know, I really love some people. And others, others I'm really just trying to live with.
I'm not going to write my essay. Because I don't want to, and I don't understand it.
There you go, you happy?
Now what.
Goodbye
I'm going to Derek's party tonight. End of Story.
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July 17, 2005
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List 5 reasons why you are a dork. And make them good reasons. Justify them. Explain them. Be proud of it. Then pick 5 friends/dorks you know and have them do the same.
1- I want to be a Youth Minister when I grow up. Whenever I go to church I feel like God talked to me through out it. My favorite week of the summer is Workcamp Week. Enough said.
2- I'm scared of childish things which I rather keep a secret because only one person very close to me knows.
3- I watch people in class instead of talk. I end up knowing all about peoples lives without them even knowing about my existance. I remember people from Middle School and Elementary school that think they've never seen me before in their entire life.
4- And then I go online when I get home and stalk them through MySpace of Livejournal.
5- My favorite people to spend time with are my Parents and brothers. Pedro and me have pretend fights that go on for hours just about how stupid the other one is, and then I can't stop giggling when my dad makes fun of us for being childish.
And everyone has done this so, I guess I'm tagging. You.
I forgot to mention The RBF concert. It was amazing, read someone else's journal for details.
here:
http://community.webshots.com/user/jeaimetonfrere
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July 16, 2005
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So, today was amazing, as always.
I came home a little bit ago and Pedro said "You look really happy" and smiled. And Mommy and Daddy said they haven't seen me with a smile this big in a couple of months. But, today was a really good day. I think Cabin John was the best, and driving the train. I've loved that train since I was little, and I finally completed my childhood dream of sitting in the front seat and actually driving it. It was beyond amazing. You don't find happiness any better way.
I love my family, and I'm really excited that Pedro is home. Pedro and Adriana come over every weekend and it really just makes the whole house really full again. I love it. And Rafa should be getting home soon, as well as Pia, and it all just seems incredible. I can't wait.
I want a Butterfly Tattoo on my hip.
But as for right now, I'm going to sit downstairs in my pajamas and watch a movie with my family while I finish enjoying the the milkshake I had at Silver Diner tonight (mixed in with the Champaign we drank for Adriana's birthday).
I can't believe we saw her hit that car.
Oh, and it's raining, and I really like it.
Sammy's Home! Which is exciting in itself. But Ric is somewhere in DC taking a tour, and I don't know where which means I can't go visit him.
Goodnight!
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July 16, 2005
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Danny's Party was fantastic. It was nice seeing those Boys and Meredith for the first time this summer.
Ilana's Party was fantastic as well. Tony was there and Steve! And the girls. As well as the whole NW Crew in general. And JohnLumb and MattRice. I really missed my girls. Britt got her lisence, so that was pretty exciting. Oh! Harry And John Gigioli were there too! That was nice. :)
Um Um Um.
♥ Happy Birthday Danny!!!!! ♥
Love,
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July 12, 2005
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Everything is Good.
And I love Andy and Donny, from Losing Credit. And I hope the CD turns out good. =). Good luck boys. I love you all (even Jordan? who I haven't met).
Write, Right.
Saw Andy and Donny today. Andy called me asking to help them with the photoshoot for the CD, so I got to pose with Donny. It was fun, and cute, and I love them. And we went to Kmart and then Andy and I dipped out. Man, I love those boys.
Lax lax lax, what is there to say.
I need to watch Macbeth but maybe I'll do that tomorrow.
I'm really fucking tird.
Love,
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July 11, 2005
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I love Walter's Parents.
And His dad's Singing. :)
<3.
Today was amazing, as usual.
Sorry I smelled bad after lacrosse!
(which might I add, was a lot of fun)
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July 9, 2005
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Well, after some complications, Walter and I are offical. And it's extremely exciting ♥
This layout makes me sad. I might get a new one.
But I'll save it.
All I really wanted to say that I'm happy with Walter really.
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July 6, 2005
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Counting Crows - Round here |
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So, there a lot of things I need to say. But instead of being all insightful or profound on livejournal I'll just really catch everyone up.
-I got my permit the Monday we were back from Workcamp.
-I saw 4 Movies with Walter and company in the past week (Mr. and Mrs. Smith, War of the Worlds, Batman Begins, and The Longest Yard)
-My parents had a huge "Day before July 4th Party", and I danced and made fun of Jim
-There was a sleepover at Ilanas.
-Planned a lunch with Mullins.
-Talked to Ohio Geoff, both online and on the phone.
-Spent 4th of July for the 4th year straight? by Juliana's side.
-Talked a lot to Derek to make up for the last 3 weeks that we haven't been able to talk for.
-Got IMs from JOHN ALEXANDER! XD.
-I met Juliana's new horse. =]
-I have found a new love for Black people. SHOCKING, I know.
-Talked to Sammy. And Emailed Sammy.
-Re-met Matt Rice.
uh uh uh. Enough
There, that's as insightful as I can be.
Goodnight
ugh. I miss Sammy, and John and Levi, and Ric, and everyone. =(.
The worst part about Workcamp, is the few weeks that follow it. All I want is to be back there, but I know I won't ever see those people again.
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July 5, 2005
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Geoff from Ohio called me at 4:40 this morning and we talking for a long time. He was with Carter, who remembered me. What an accomplishment. I really love Ohio boys. Maybe he'll come down to visit? I'm really excited.
But, the only problem is that now I can't go back to sleep, which is obnoxious becuase that makes me begin to think of what happened right before I fell asleep.
"Why do we fall down Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up."
You did drop me. I don't want to make it easier and say you just left me. I gave you everything I had, and you dropped me. We both fell, separately. But as I discussed with you, the minor scar I have from it doesn't effect how many smiles you gave me. How many times have I dropped people, and hurt them? Over and over again am I hurting the people that love me the most. Maybe it's just a thing people like us do. I care so much about my own feelings, but someone that loves and cares for me, I don't care about hurting.
"I don't like falling."
"You fell for me..."
I got dropped and have been laying on the floor, now you've leaned down and are sitting next to me. So, what do we do? We wait it out until I'm READY to get up, and we help eachother up. We do it togehter, and we take the world on together, again. I'm not quite ready to do that yet though.
My only fear is that when I'm ready, you won't be there to offer a hand anymore. But, then it will be MY fault for taking so long. I don't want to make you wait. I don't want to keep you from anything. So, live life, and if and when we're both ready, and you want to, we'll grab hands and do it, together.
I love you and always will, just remember that.
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